Covid-19 has hit this world hard. It has hit me hard. At the start of the year, this was yet another pandemic that affected mostly people that are far away from me. In February we noticed that things were getting more serious. Then, a week before our Spring Break was to begin, schools in our province were closed. Church was cancelled for the foreseeable future. I found myself in a 14-day isolation due to cold symptoms with my wife and daughters, and I had to adjust myself to a new normal. It's been three weeks since this all hit close to home, and I have to admit that I am not enjoying it.
The world is changing, and changing fast. I have always found change to be difficult. The bigger the change, the bigger the challenge for me. I now have to teach through a screen, and I don't know what that is going to look like. Church is at home, with some family members coming in via the internet. Birthday parties are going to be different for the girls this year. Heather and I were planning on celebrating our 10th anniversary this year with a trip to Orlando, and that is looking more and more likely that it will be cancelled. The Celine Dion concert that Heather and Hope were planning on attending late this month has been postponed until further notice. Friends and colleagues have been laid off work, others have had to close their businesses, and some are on the front lines fighting this pandemic. Terms like "social distancing", "self-isolation", and "temporary layoffs" have become commonplace. And people are dying. Joe Diffie, a popular country singer during my high school and university years, passed away two days after testing positive at the age of 61. So far, that is the closest that this virus has come to taking away someone I knew, but I worry that it will hit closer before it is all said and done.
Physically, we are doing well in our home. Kevin is still able to work. Heather has started posting lessons online. The girls are doing as well as can be expected. Mentally, however, is a different story for me. I first felt it the day my self-isolation ended. I went shopping, starting at Walmart. When I was done there, I went to my car and had an anxiety attack. The eeriness of everything started to hit home, and I did not know what to do. I do not even know why I am feeling this way, or how to best cope with it. I don't have good days and bad days, I have good moments and bad moments. I read and play games and do puzzles to distract myself, but then I have to get to work. I not only am concerned about my students and colleagues, but about my church family, my friends, and my actual kin. Aside from a nephew who likely, but has not been confirmed to have it, nobody in my family has tested positive for Covid-19. Nobody I know personally has either. That will likely change before this is all over, and I worry for those I know that are the most vulnerable.
With church I have been asked to help track everyone in our ward with their physical, mental, financial, and spiritual well-being. I am trying to help bear the burdens of others to the best of my ability. I have to admit that in doing so, I am feeling the weight myself. Not since my divorce so many years ago have I felt this burdened. I am also aware of particular students who have had struggles of their own over the last several weeks, and how this situation may be affecting them. I also worry that things will get worse before they get better. I suspect that they will, but still hope for the worst-case scenario to be far off from what will actually happen.
So, simply put, I am struggling with my mental health during this difficult time. A part of me wonders why, as I am still fully employed, in good health, and well-stocked in toilet paper. We have internet, phones, and lots to do. I know this will be temporary, but I still feel like I am being overwhelmed. I know there are others who are in far worse situations, and I am not privy to the struggles that others are experiencing. I cannot, however, diminish what my feelings are in this. As someone posted on Facebook today, we are all in the same boat, but we are not all experiencing the same storm. Each of us is being negatively affected in some fashion, and the struggles of myself should not diminish the struggles of others, nor vice versa. We simply must each find our way through the storms, and throw out the lifelines to those whom we can reach.
I have had an abundance of those lifelines, even today. A cherished colleague sent me a funny Star Trek picture (it's included in this blog). A member of my ward who I have always enjoyed talking to called me up today. His in his 80s and often tells me stories of his life, which he almost always apologizes for "boring" me with them, but boy, did I need it today. When I heard that some of my colleagues who provide such essential service to our school were being laid off today, it sent me in a bit of a downward spiral. As I was putting Barbara to bed, I felt I needed to tell her that I was struggling and that I was sorry for not being my typical upbeat self. She went and grabbed three special stuffed toys. These toys were three that I had as a child, and many months ago gave to her. She handed Barney Buffalo, Susie Rabbit, and Bob the Bear to me and said "Here Dad, you need to give these guys a big hug. In fact, you can sleep with them tonight if you want. You may need them more than me." How blessed am I to have a daughter like this?
This is the main point of my writing tonight. Yes, I am struggling. I cannot deny it. I miss friends, I miss students, I miss church, I miss the classroom, and I miss the old normal. Yes, it is possible that someone close to me will contract this virus and have some serious issues, maybe even life-threatening. With all the negativity in possibility, I know that these changes in my life must be. If not, then my 80+ year old friend that I spoke with today might not make it to the summer. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law who have immunity issues might be hurt. More and more difficult choices may have to be made. If I want the old normal to return, then we all have to make these changes. Bad things will come, but there are so many little tender mercies that are given to us that we will endure and emerge stronger. I want this to be a message of hope, which I am trying so hard to cling to. Find the joys in life, and don't let go of them. Call up those that you care about and let them hear your voice. Don't hide your struggles, but accept them. Bring joy to your life in whatever way you can, and share them with others (it just so happens that a former student is currently live on Facebook and is sharing his DJ skills while I am writing this). Just hang in there, as this too shall pass.
See the blessings in the storm. I see a wife who is so strong and supportive of me, even when I tell her I need to be alone and cry for a bit. I see daughters who still have dance parties and build a story fort. I see friends who brought us groceries during our isolation. I see colleagues who wear silly hats and masks during our Zoom meetings. I see people who are facing their own financial struggles during this still bring out the support to others with a smile on their faces. I see a teenage boy who dutifully shows up to the Safeway he works at to keep our shelves full. I see a friend who is a doctor putting in so many extra hours to treat those who are sick. The blessings are there, but if you are having some trouble seeing them, then call out for someone to bring you a light.
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