One Set of Footprints

I just saw a post where a friend of mine from my university days just said that one of her daughter's junior high teachers had just committed suicide. I then received news of another suicide that is hitting too close to home. I fear that these tragedies are only the beginning for what could well be a tidal wave of mental health issues in the weeks and months to come. I am concerned that the mental toll is going to show up in more suicides, increased addictions, abuse of self and others, and more. However, this news hit me harder than one might have expected. 

You see, yesterday I broke.

I have been struggling with trying to juggle my responsibilities with school, my students, church, and my family. Things have been piling up and yesterday something happened that pushed me past a breaking point. I went for a long walk (after my wife suggested I do so) and as I tried to get ready for a Zoom meeting after, I just broke. 

It felt like a tiny something snapped in my brain.

I don't know how long I was alone in my basement before I had the sense of mind to text Heather. She came running downstairs. What happened was a bit of a haze to me. I just know my wife was there, offering words of support and comfort while I sobbed. After several minutes like this my beloved wife helped take care of a few things that were needing some immediate attention, and then I went upstairs, turned off my phone, and crawled into bed. I believe I slept a little, but honestly I don't know. I was quiet at dinner and left the girls in Kevin's care for a few moments while Heather and I went to get a few groceries. We talked about what happened. I got a much needed phone call from my Bishop, and we talked. All yesterday I felt like there was pressure in my head and I cannot remember the last time I felt this exhausted. I went to sleep.

I have lost family members and friends. I have lost employment. I have attended sad funerals of cherished colleagues and beloved students. I have been rejected and humiliated by others. I have gone through a divorce. Yesterday was the first time that I felt broken. 

I bring this up because I think it is important that people understand how delicate our mental health can be at these times of crisis. On the surface I should be fine. My wife and I are still fully employed with no loss of income, my family is with me and we are healthy, there is food in our fridge and pantry and power to our home, nobody I know has died from COVID-19, and I have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father. I can go for walks and I have enough at home to keep me entertained. And yet since this pandemic started I have had days where I feel like my sanity is hanging by a frayed thread. I have established a network of friends and family members who I reach out to and who reach out to me, but I still had a mental collapse where I was pushed to the limit and beyond. While many people could look at me and say "Bryan Andrews is fine. He is strong. He can weather this storm", know that it is not entirely true. I am still human. My struggles are still real. I feel the pressures of being on the ground doing what I can to see those I have been tasked with through this. And while on the surface I may appear to be doing fine, know that underneath I am not. 

At least, not always.

I struggle. I struggle with depression. I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I struggle with loneliness. Most days the struggle is manageable to easy. Most days I can be the strength for others to lean on. Most days I can be there for others. And some days, like yesterday, I can't. Some days the struggle is too much. Some days I get knocked to the ground, and it is hard to get back up.

I like to be the one who can reach out their hand to others who are struggling, but I have learned through difficult experience to extend my own hand so others can help lift me. I am learning to find the strength is asking for help, but I am also glad for those who have made the deliberate decision to be there for me. Of that, I am grateful. I am grateful for those who choose to check in with me rather than just assume everything is OK. 

One of my favorite poems is titled "Footprints". I have included it at the end. I love it because it has taught me to be grateful for the times in my life where I can only see one set of footprints in the sand that is my life's journey. I have dear friends, cherished colleagues, thoughtful neighbors, supportive students, and the most loving family I could ask for, but at the end of the day, there is one set of footprints that have always been with me. And it is that set of footprints that ultimately helps me when I feel broken.

So please be kinder to others. As we navigate this storm in life, be merciful and patient with others. You do not know the sorrow and pain that they are carrying. You cannot perceive every wound that others cover. Err on the side of compassion and hope instead of skepticism and conspiracy. Be ready to assist when called upon, and at the same time I hope you discover the strength that is to be found is asking for help. Lift others, but also allow yourself to be lifted. This is going to be needed as much as a vaccine or a treatment, and this is something that you can do.

The New Normal

I have tried to write this several times now. Let's see how this attempt goes.

Covid-19 has hit this world hard. It has hit me hard. At the start of the year, this was yet another pandemic that affected mostly people that are far away from me. In February we noticed that things were getting more serious. Then, a week before our Spring Break was to begin, schools in our province were closed. Church was cancelled for the foreseeable future. I found myself in a 14-day isolation due to cold symptoms with my wife and daughters, and I had to adjust myself to a new normal. It's been three weeks since this all hit close to home, and I have to admit that I am not enjoying it. 

The world is changing, and changing fast. I have always found change to be difficult. The bigger the change, the bigger the challenge for me. I now have to teach through a screen, and I don't know what that is going to look like. Church is at home, with some family members coming in via the internet. Birthday parties are going to be different for the girls this year. Heather and I were planning on celebrating our 10th anniversary this year with a trip to Orlando, and that is looking more and more likely that it will be cancelled. The Celine Dion concert that Heather and Hope were planning on attending late this month has been postponed until further notice. Friends and colleagues have been laid off work, others have had to close their businesses, and some are on the front lines fighting this pandemic. Terms like "social distancing", "self-isolation", and "temporary layoffs" have become commonplace. And people are dying. Joe Diffie, a popular country singer during my high school and university years, passed away two days after testing positive at the age of 61. So far, that is the closest that this virus has come to taking away someone I knew, but I worry that it will hit closer before it is all said and done.

Physically, we are doing well in our home. Kevin is still able to work. Heather has started posting lessons online. The girls are doing as well as can be expected. Mentally, however, is a different story for me. I first felt it the day my self-isolation ended. I went shopping, starting at Walmart. When I was done there, I went to my car and had an anxiety attack. The eeriness of everything started to hit home, and I did not know what to do. I do not even know why I am feeling this way, or how to best cope with it. I don't have good days and bad days, I have good moments and bad moments. I read and play games and do puzzles to distract myself, but then I have to get to work. I not only am concerned about my students and colleagues, but about my church family, my friends, and my actual kin. Aside from a nephew who likely, but has not been confirmed to have it, nobody in my family has tested positive for Covid-19. Nobody I know personally has either. That will likely change before this is all over, and I worry for those I know that are the most vulnerable. 

With church I have been asked to help track everyone in our ward with their physical, mental, financial, and spiritual well-being. I am trying to help bear the burdens of others to the best of my ability. I have to admit that in doing so, I am feeling the weight myself. Not since my divorce so many years ago have I felt this burdened. I am also aware of particular students who have had struggles of their own over the last several weeks, and how this situation may be affecting them. I also worry that things will get worse before they get better. I suspect that they will, but still hope for the worst-case scenario to be far off from what will actually happen.

So, simply put, I am struggling with my mental health during this difficult time. A part of me wonders why, as I am still fully employed, in good health, and well-stocked in toilet paper. We have internet, phones, and lots to do. I know this will be temporary, but I still feel like I am being overwhelmed. I know there are others who are in far worse situations, and I am not privy to the struggles that others are experiencing. I cannot, however, diminish what my feelings are in this. As someone posted on Facebook today, we are all in the same boat, but we are not all experiencing the same storm. Each of us is being negatively affected in some fashion, and the struggles of myself should not diminish the struggles of others, nor vice versa. We simply must each find our way through the storms, and throw out the lifelines to those whom we can reach.

I have had an abundance of those lifelines, even today. A cherished colleague sent me a funny Star Trek picture (it's included in this blog). A member of my ward who I have always enjoyed talking to called me up today. His in his 80s and often tells me stories of his life, which he almost always apologizes for "boring" me with them, but boy, did I need it today. When I heard that some of my colleagues who provide such essential service to our school were being laid off today, it sent me in a bit of a downward spiral. As I was putting Barbara to bed, I felt I needed to tell her that I was struggling and that I was sorry for not being my typical upbeat self. She went and grabbed three special stuffed toys. These toys were three that I had as a child, and many months ago gave to her. She handed Barney Buffalo, Susie Rabbit, and Bob the Bear to me and said "Here Dad, you need to give these guys a big hug. In fact, you can sleep with them tonight if you want. You may need them more than me." How blessed am I to have a daughter like this? 

This is the main point of my writing tonight. Yes, I am struggling. I cannot deny it. I miss friends, I miss students, I miss church, I miss the classroom, and I miss the old normal. Yes, it is possible that someone close to me will contract this virus and have some serious issues, maybe even life-threatening. With all the negativity in possibility, I know that these changes in my life must be. If not, then my 80+ year old friend that I spoke with today might not make it to the summer. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law who have immunity issues might be hurt. More and more difficult choices may have to be made. If I want the old normal to return, then we all have to make these changes. Bad things will come, but there are so many little tender mercies that are given to us that we will endure and emerge stronger. I want this to be a message of hope, which I am trying so hard to cling to. Find the joys in life, and don't let go of them. Call up those that you care about and let them hear your voice. Don't hide your struggles, but accept them. Bring joy to your life in whatever way you can, and share them with others (it just so happens that a former student is currently live on Facebook and is sharing his DJ skills while I am writing this). Just hang in there, as this too shall pass.

See the blessings in the storm. I see a wife who is so strong and supportive of me, even when I tell her I need to be alone and cry for a bit. I see daughters who still have dance parties and build a story fort. I see friends who brought us groceries during our isolation. I see colleagues who wear silly hats and masks during our Zoom meetings. I see people who are facing their own financial struggles during this still bring out the support to others with a smile on their faces. I see a teenage boy who dutifully shows up to the Safeway he works at to keep our shelves full. I see a friend who is a doctor putting in so many extra hours to treat those who are sick. The blessings are there, but if you are having some trouble seeing them, then call out for someone to bring you a light. 

2020 Vision

Another year has come and gone. As is customary, people are making predictions and resolutions. With a new "decade" starting (although, whether or not we have started a new decade is still up to debate) there is an increase in excitement. People are looking forward to things being exciting and new. For us at the Andrews household, we too are looking forward with anticipation, but as always, I take a look back at what happened to measure what is likely to come.

My writing really took a hiatus this last year. I learned a lot about finding balance, and trying to write when I had little I wanted to write about just did not seem to be a big enough motivation. My Trek blog went from several dozen posts a year to just a handful. This blog also took a hit. My reasons for writing in this blog are mostly to write something positive, with the occasional addressing of a more serious topic. This last year I really found that I wanted to scream and shout about things and celebrate less, so I wrote less. I found a lot of things frustrated me last year, all of which seem to center on a lack of compassion and a desire to "win" instead of communicating and understanding. People have become so polarized on just about everything in life, and when I have tried to engage in discourse on these topics, I am met with insults, condescension, and outrage. While it is not a majority of people I interact with, it is growing, and that concerns me.

Don't get me wrong, there was a lot to celebrate last year. Hope started kindergarten at FFCA. Barbara took grade 2 by storm. Both girls are growing in their talents on the piano (Barbara has been showing such growth recently). Heather has a new principal at her school and feels much better about her work environment. I took on a new student teacher this year who is showing amazing potential and talent. Two of my favorite franchises reached important milestones this year (MCU and Star Wars). I saw a lot of growth in many of my students and former students, including one who has had her outstanding one act play work-shopped, one who starred in her first professional Shakespearean play, and one who is starting her first play production. It wasn't the most pleasant of years. I had hernia surgery in the summer, saw a Prime Minister plagued with controversy get re-elected because there were no better alternative, and this has led to an increase in people wanting in Western Canada wanting to separate and form their own country. We see politics reaching new lows across the world, and I long for the days when I can trust my elected officials. Sadly, I said goodbye to several individuals who have had a positive influence in my life. So, in short, it's been a regular year, but there has been enough negativity to leave me wanting better.

There have been many tongue-in-cheek comments about this year having "20-20 vision", and I would like to see that more. I would love to see more peace, more compassion, and more of us seeking to understand others. I would like to see less hatred, less contention, and less prideful measurements of the value of others. I would hope that we have learned a lot from 45 years ago, and I would also hope that we will continue to grow and learn even more. I often talk about what I would like to see changed in the world, but really, I can only change myself. I can influence, but ultimately I am responsible for myself. So the things that I want to see most in the world, I will first work to establish those things within my own self. I will have to work at having more compassion, more tolerance, and more respect to those whose perceptions are different from my own. After all, if 2020 is supposed to be a year of clear vision, than I must do what I can to correct my own vision first if I expect others to do likewise,