February 28, 2008, will be my personal day of infamy. That was the day that my wife of then almost six years and I separated. Now, looking back at this last year, I felt I should say something as to where I have been and what I have to look forward to.
It is obvious to me that barring some sort of colossal miracle (or more likely several all at once), I will be divorced shortly. This is of course if Jen still desires to make this quick and painless for both of us. However, the one year anniversary of this event did not go down anywhere close to how I thought it would even as recent as a few weeks ago. Before I go much more into that, let me reflect back on my journey thus far.
I miss Thunderchild and the people I left behind, especially my old high school teammates Marnie, Hussein, Cheryl, Ken, and Rob. Life was possible there because of them. I also miss my students and hope that I left them better off than before I got there. I also miss my Battleford branch members, most noticably my branch president Larry Raciccott. He more than anyone else got me through the first few months of the separation. I also appreciate the stake presidency members who had been so supportive of me. The help I had received from all of them pulled me up.
Obviously, the biggest change in my life has been my move to Calgary. my big sister Tara and her loving family did more than open their home to me; they saved my life. As hard as I worked to avoid Calgary, I felt more and mroe strongly that this is where I needed to be. Obvioulsy the Sagers were the biggest part of it, but it has become much more than that. Calgary is where I began to feel conencted to life again.
In July I started meeting with Bryan (yes, another Y-Bryan!) Livingston of LDS Family Services. He has helped me come to understand where I stand with the Lord and why I have felt the way that I felt. He helped empower me to recognize whose opinions of me I had been believing, and where I should really start putting some trust (ie my Heavely Father). He also guided me through a process in which I held myself accountable before my Heavenly Father concerning my marriage and its breakup, and I will only say that the Lord accepted my efforts. My faults are what they are, and I know that He understands me more than I understood myself. It is good to know that the Lord can tell you that you have done everything in your power. My hardest task in this was to find the courage to accept His love and support, as well as forgive myself.
September I found myself doing something I had always wanted to do. I was called as a seminary teacher, and I loved every early morning minute of it. The youth of my ward are amazing souls, and though I could not remain their teacher for the entire year, I cherished every chance I had to discover and study the life of Christ with them. I still miss the classes, but it is OK. I hope to have the opportunity again sometime.
I began volunteering at the Calgary Zoo in October (by the way, come see the koalas!) and have found a haven at the zoo in the insanity of life. I have met new friends and discovered something that I could not only be passionate about, but something that I could share with others. I rediscovered something about serving others, and that has been an anchor to me, and it allowed my to find true happiness in serving good people and a good cause.
Around the same time I found some part-time employment at Sir Winston Churchill High School, probably the top acheiving high school and one of the finest I have had a chance to work in. I taught 3 classes of Bio 30 (a dream come true!) and met some of the most amazing students there are. I still dwell on one special student whose life took a tragic turn just before finals, and if she ever reads this, Melissa, I still pray for your full recovery. Most significantly were the science teachers that I had the honour of serving beside. They were wonderful. I could write much on all of them, but I will settle for the two who influenced me the most. first is Dr. Ted Pike, a man who personifies the scientific curiosity and wonder that I wish to instill in my students. His passion for his work is only rivaled by his pure, sincere goodness that is as contagious as it is endearing. We had a few good conversations, and he was able to help me through a few things, but mostly it was his general attitude that he carried about him that gave me the most strength. Secondly, I met the greatest department head I have ever met. Deb Miller was the one who interviewed me and hired me. From her I regained my self-confidence and my sense of professional aptitude. I am not saying it that I lost it in Saskatchewan, it was just that after Jen left my confidence in everything I did was shaken. I found a mentor and a true friend in Deb, and I am thankful for all that she did for me in the short time I worked with her. She gave me so much love, friendship, and respect that my life is truly enriched for it. Dare I say that she became another in a line of mother figures who helped fill in the shoes of my own eternal mother who was called home too soon for my likings. Thank you Deb.
Christmas was not nearly as difficult as I expected it to be. I felt that the separation would have been the main focus for my thoughts, but it is hard to do that when you are surrounded by the families of my big sister and my dear little brother TJ. Christmas truly became about family, and I am grateful for that. I found I did miss not seeing the Hills, but I want them to know that they will always be a part of my family. I wish my father and beloved step-mother could have been there, but I know that they love me.
January saw me buying a new computer, getting called into the primary, and wind down my time at SWC. All I can say about the primary at this time is that I find it challenging, but I welcome it gladly.
Now, the last month. February saw me leave SWC and head for FFCA territory. I had interviewed twice before for a high school position, and though they offered the jobs to others, I know they made the correct decisions, and I am grateful to be with them now. My principal and vice principal are two of the most supportive administrators one could find, and their faith in my is great. I have met many great teachers there, but I must confess that my favourite is my new BFF, Liz Amer. Her job was one of the ones I had interviewed for, but I am glad she got it because now I get to work with her in a great way. Not only does she have similar ideas and past connections with, but we became fast friends very quickly. I could not imagine a person I would rather teach beside than my dear HC fairy. She is so full of drive, courage, enthusiasm, and passion that it is hard to not try to stretch myself even further. When I joined the FFCA, I needed a friend. Liz was an answer to a prayer. I hope we can teach together for a very long time to come.
One of the things that made me impressed with this high school is how close everyone was. I was constantly amazed at the level of teamwork. Well, this last weekend I found out why. I attended the Rapport Leadership 1 training session, and without giving anything away, it was the most intense, challenging, difficult, and rewarding training that I have had since my MTC days. I met some great people, and while I do not wish to upset any of them, I must give a special thanks to my fellow FFCA teachers, Mr Green and Mr Widmer, as well as Ms Winter, Ms Smart, Ms Nestor, Mr. Virji, Mr Llewellyn, and Ms Huddleston for helping me get through this. I also thank my trainers, Mr Ferguson and Mr McKinney. I not only broke some of the barriers that I had allowed to hold me back, I blew right through them. I found the man I used to be again, and I am so grateful to see him again. While yesterday marked the one year mark into my separation, it was one of the best days of my life. I can stand tall and say that I AM BACK! I am not afraid to live anymore. I am not afraid to take risks anymore. I am not afriad to love anymore. My students deserve me. My family deserve me. My colleagues and friends deserve me. Most importantly, I DESERVE ME! I will not stop until my Heavenly father tells me that it is done.
To wrap this up, I would just like to say a special thanks to two of my oldest and dearest friends. I have always believed that God puts specific people in our lives to help us get through the hardest times. I believe that all the people I mentioned fit that category, as have many that I have not mentioned in this. Still, I cannot thank my Lord enough for sending me Matt Harker and Dan Oler 20 years ago (over 20 for Matt). These two have become as much as brothers to me as anything else. They have always been there for me, no matter what. There wives became close friends of mine (and Mindy and Sharon, thank you for marrying these two. They deserve the best, and that is who they got). I love their children as if they were my neice and nephews (and yes, Dan and Mindy naming their youngest after me was one of the highlights of this last year). I will make sure that they know that I will live and die for them. Their friendship cannot (nor needs to be in their eyes) ever be repaid. I love you guys.
So, as I look forward to the future, I am ready to charge head first into whatever the Lord feels I need to endure. I know there are rich blessings in store for me. I know that there is security in the temple for me. I know that a family of my own is coming. I know that I will fail, but I will then rise, dust myself, and keep moving forward until there is no more strength in me. I will never give up on myself again. I can humbly say now that I deserve my Lord's blessings and the love of those around me. I have always had a hard time believing others when they told me that I am strong. I doubt that no more. I know that I am strong because of my Father in Heaven, and I know once more that I will overcome all because of Him and my Saviour Jesus Christ who I commit once again my life, heart, and soul.
Top 10 List: The Top 10 Things I learned about myself these last 365 days:
10. When I put myself behind the needs of others, I cheated them from giving the best of myself. When I make myself a priority, I am a greater benefit to them.
9. I am truly happiest when I am serving others. That still does not mean I cannot have fun while doing it.
8. One of God's greatest gifts is our free agency. The Spirit taught me today that part of exercising that agency is to choose to believe in myself. I have not done that enough, and it ends now.
7. I will not fear failure anymore, not when I give my best effort. Failure just means I get up and move forward.
6. I am respected by many people, more than I ever believed possible. I touch lives and I make a difference. I can humbly accept that.
5. The Lord has a plan for me. It is happiness and love. Why would I ever doubt that again? Simply put, I shouldn't.
4. When I give everything I have, when I reach deeper than I ever have before, and dig so deep inside of me that I cannot fathom ever going farther, then I go a bit more, and when it is finally finished and I can no longer stand, my Father in Heaven has given me brothers and sisters to catch me when I fall.
3. I am strong. I am powerful. I will overcome. I AM A LEADER!
2. I love my God, I love my family, I love my friends, I love my colleagues, I love my students. I love myself for them and me.
1. God loves me. He always had. He always will. I should be more like Him in that regard.
