Forgive Me...

On my home from visiting a friend I was listening to the radio. They were talking about the concept of forgiveness and how men who have sexually assaulted and harassed women were asking the women that they had wronged to forgive them. They had a college professor talk about how asking the women to forgive the men was unethical. They spoke about how the concept of forgiveness from a religious point of view was archaic and counter-productive. Ultimately, they spoke about how these men do not deserve forgiveness and that they should be ashamed for asking such a thing from women. That got me thinking.

The main thought that kept running through my head was that of being troubled by this message. You see, I have been raised in and have always lived a religious life. My church teaches that we should always forgive those who have offended us in any manner. I have been taught that to forgive others is not only a commandment, but it is something that will be beneficial for me. Whenever I hear something that goes contrary to how I have been raised and my core beliefs (spiritual or otherwise), I take notice and evaluate. I do not necessarily evaluate my own beliefs, but rather where this other perspective comes from. In this case, I felt a bit of a conundrum developing.

You see, I truly get where this learned woman is coming from. She too is of a religious nature, and I did not get a chance to listen to the entire interview, but from what I heard she made some very good points. I did, however, feel that there was something missing in her argument. While what she said made sense to me, and to a point I agreed, I couldn't help but feel that something was not quite on point. It has been tumbling through my head all day, and I think I may have figured out what was not making sense to me.

I feel that she, and others, have misunderstood the concept of forgiveness.

I found a definition of forgiveness that I thinks fits here. It is said that forgiveness is a deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness (https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition). There are some key things there that are essential to my understanding of forgiveness, and this is what I think the person being interviewed misunderstood. Yes, for us that are religious, there is a belief that God will forgive whom He will, but we must be willing to forgive all. From what I was getting from the interview, the two women who were talking seemed to equate that these powerful men who had done terrible things to women were asking for forgiveness as a means to excuse their past actions, pardoning their sins so to speak. That, my friends, is not the purpose or the goal of forgiveness.

To forgive someone has little if anything to do with the offender. It does not and never should mean that the guilty party should be spared the consequences of their misdeeds. It certainly does not mean that the offending person should be trusted by they who do the forgiving. No, these men that ask for forgiveness for their transgressions should still be punished for their actions. They have done wrong, and must face the proverbial music. That does not mean that I am not in favor of leniency in times where they who have done wrong are truly repentant, and that when one has reformed themselves that they should be allowed to regain what they have lost. Instead, if these men are asking forgiveness so that they may spare themselves the painful consequences of their actions then they are not truly remorseful for their actions. The women they harassed may or may not forgive them, but they should still lose their jobs, their marriages, and their freedoms depending on the severity of their crimes. They should in no way place the blame on their victims. No, the offender does not need to be deserving of forgiveness in order for those harmed to forgive them.

I believe that when God commands us to do something it is because He knows it is in our best interest. God does not give us commandments because of some holy power trip. If He tells us that we should forgive others, then it is because it will be a blessing to us. He does not want us to suffer needlessly, and yet when I see someone who will not forgive someone else, it is usually to their detriment. They hang onto their resentment like an anchor in the ocean, and it only drags them down into darkness. Conversely, forgiving those who have wronged us allows us to find healing more easily and readily. It does not condone the offense, nor does it diminish the severity of the harm we have experienced. It does allow us to move forward from the event without locking us into the pains of the past. We should forgive those who have wronged us not because God wants us to but because it is good for us!

Now I know that many feel that the pains and agony that they have suffered at the hands of others are too much to simply overcome. I never said that forgiveness would ever be easy or simple, only that it is necessary for our overall healing and happiness. We should not have to unconditionally accept that we can trust the offender in order to offer forgiveness. In my own life when it came to forgiveness, I have found that it can be difficult, and to put myself in a situation where I am to put everything back to the way it was is just not feasible. I have had to work at forgiving others. For some, I am still working on it. I have found that to hang on to bitterness and resentment only makes me unhappy. It affects my relationships with those who mean the most to me. Why would I allow a past wrong to have a negative impact on those whom I love most?

Yes, forgiveness can help lift the offender's soul, but that is not really what it is all about. If anything, it is a cherry on top. Regardless of all of that, these ladies (at least for the portion of the interview I heard) were missing the mark as to why God commands us to forgive others. They implied that since God will decide who is to be forgiven that forgiveness is an option for us. Again, it is not. At least, not if we want to truly be free of the negative influence of those who hurt us. Instead, we must see forgiveness as a soothing balm that will help put together our broken spirit. It is the light in the darkness that brings us to safety and peace.

I hope that this is not interpreted as a justification that the men they were discussing should be universally pardoned for their crimes. Instead, it should be seen as a way for these women who were undeserving of the pain they experienced to find some peace and light in their lives. They did not deserve what was done to them, but they do deserve to be able to move on from it. They should see that they are doing this for themselves, that it adds strength and hope to their lives. That it will allow them to rise above their tormentors and truly conquer them. It will not be easy, but it is worth taking that difficult road. There will be many who will help us along that path, and when we reach the end of it we can help those who are struggling to reach the destination that we have found.

If you think this is not possible for you, and that I know nothing of what you are experiencing, then perhaps you are right. I may not know what you are going through. All I can ask of you is that you forgive me my naivety, but please give it a chance.