That I mind the chaos. It is a lot of fun, actually, and it puts my life in better perspective. Just as I began this entry, my beloved wife and darling little daughter were dancing in circles right in front of me. At this moment they are in Barbara's new room reading funny stories. Yes, Barbara is in a Big Girl bed. She has been moved into Dustin's old room (he moved downstairs) and is definitely not a baby anymore. The chaos involved in having children can be hectic and frazzling, but it is definitely full of grand rewards. The smiles and laughter are evident, but there is something else about being "Daddy" that is just as rewarding. Last night, or more accurately at 3:30 this morning, I was jolted awake by my little girl's crying. She had woken up in the dark, reached out to the lamp beside her bed, and promptly fell out. She was more scared than hurt, but her screams were definitely heard. I made it to her side in about three seconds, and had her in my arms where she snuggled in close and cried and wailed. This is not the first time I have come running to her rescue at night. There have been some nightmares and times when she was just afraid of the dark. Each time Daddy was there to hold her and comfort her, and while I was not happy that she was upset, I was happy that she could find safety and warmth in my arms.
Why is it that such moments are so precious to me? I have thought long and hard about this as we prepare for the new little miracle to arrive. Whenever a new child arrives in the family I suppose that it is only natural for the parents to look back on their past experiences to help them make better choices in raising the new one, and at the same time know that nothing will ever be like the other times. I'm not saying that I messed up royally with Barbara, but instead I look to what I did well and see what I can duplicate to close to the same relationship with this child. I have hopes and dreams for all of my children, and one that is foremost is that they will always know they can find love and acceptance in my arms. True, as with all children there will be times when I disapprove of their choices, but that will not change my desire to always be there for them. It is this drive to always have my arms represent comfort and strength, joy and security to my children that governs much of my parenting. Again, I wonder why that is.
It is obvious to me that my parents are a big influence. I know that from the time I was born until the day that she passed that my mother would have moved heaven and hell to protect, love, and bless me. I have missed her so much these last 13 years, and want to provide her grandchildren with all that she tried to provide for me. In her arms I found warmth strength. My father, while in his own special way, has been no different in how I have felt about him. Some say that fathers and sons can more easily clash, and we did not always see eye to eye on everything, but in the end I knew where I stood with him. My parents often worried about my future (I sometimes overheard their conversations pertaining to such things), but I always felt supported. Whenever the hard, challenging, and scary parts of life came knocking at my door, they could always be counted on. I suppose a part of me wants to pay their love forward and by doing so honor what they have done for me in the process.
Some of the more cynical view would argue that my desire is rooted in a selfish desire to bring meaning and worth to my life. I would be lying if I said that parenthood does not reap such rewards for me, but I would hardly call parenting selfish. Like most things there are different elements of parenting that appeal to some and not to others. Very rarely do I see good, thoughtful, and intentional parenting as being "selfish". Sacrifice makes the rewards that much sweeter, and what is wrong with finding meaning and worth in life anyways? Why is it selfish to have joy in raising a family? Those that have argued this would say that making themselves good people, successful in every aspect of their lives is a great way of bringing such feelings of fulfillment. I personally believe that making something positive of your life, regardless of how you do it, is worthy. I just feel that being a good parent is one of the most wonderful ways to do this.
So while Heather walks around the bedroom sighing and wishing that this bundle of joy will come quickly, I look forward to greeting my new progeny (This is not meant to contrast my wife and I. She has earned every sigh, moan, and expression of fatigue over these last nine months). I look forward to how the new child will fit into the family.
For my Top Ten List, I'll go in a different direction. Because today is May 4th (Star Wars Days), I give you my Top Ten Favourite Star Wars Moments/Characters.
10. Busting Han Solo out of Jabba's palace. The whole opening plot line in Return of the Jedi was just plain awesome.
9. Chewbacca. Everyone's favourite wookie. As a kid I loved that giant walking carpet.
8. Ewoks. When I saw them on the big screen as a kid, I had no problem with the fact that the Empire was overthrown by walking teddy bears. As a kid who was constantly picked on it was nice to see the little guy save the day.
7. Pod race from Episode I. One of the few really good moments in the first movie. Lots of excitement.
6. Anthony Daniels. He is the actor who plays C-3PO in all 6 movies. I met him last week at the Comic Expo. He was great. When he found out that my nephew Connor could not afford his autograph he gave one to him free of charge.
5. "Luke. I am your father". One of the biggest movie surprises and plot twists of all time!
4. Luke Skywalker. Sure, many see him as bratty in IV, but he grew up and became one that I felt the most akin to.
3. The Cantina band song. To this day I can't help but tap my toes along with the beat.
2. Vader's redemption. Darth Vader was the baddest bad guy in cinema, and he was able to turn from the dark side and be redeemed. There is hope for us all.
1. Yoda. The green guru, the wisest of the wise, Yoda was Da Man!. He had the best lines and in Episode II showed he could kick serious butt.
One last little surprise. One of my favourite YouTube channels is How It Should Have Ended. Here is one of my favourites.
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