Pushing On

So this Spring Break is going down as one of the least enjoyable. We said a sad good-bye to our beloved Annie just over a week ago. It still hurts. The house seems a bit more empty with her passing. She went so peacefully and quickly. My sister, Tara, was the vet who administered the dose. She and her staff at Calgary North Veterinary Hospital were wonderful and understanding. We had Annie cremated at the Humane Society. I found her at an animal shelter so it made sense to me have her end at one. Again, the staff I dealt with were very compassionate. Heather and Barbara were with me the whole time, except for a bit before I left her to be cremated. I had a moment to speak to her and say my peace. In the days following I have found that simple things evoke strong emotions. Finding small clumps of her hair in the carpet, putting away her food dish, a touching statue a friend gave us over a year ago, even looking at where she would look out the front window and watch the world pass by can warm my heart and weeping like a small child. Her loss has hit me much more profoundly than I had anticipated. I am glad we waited until Spring Break to allow me to grieve without the responsibilities of work hanging overhead. So for now I move on and remember the good times. I do not fight the tears, but find the appropriate place to shed them. I think that not only do tears cleanse the body but also the soul.

It was unfortunate that only Annie's passing seemed to go according to schedule. After coming home from the humane society I became afflicted with a bad cold that has laid me out almost every day since. That squashed our plans on a weekend trip to Edmonton. Today was the best I have felt (physically) the whole break, and instead of going this weekend we thought that staying in Calgary will be enough. I want to be as healthy as possible when I go back to work this Monday. I hope that this Friday we will be able to have a really good, fun-filled day. I need it. My beloved wife, entering her last weeks of this pregnancy, has been supremely supportive of me. Barbara has developed a sweet side that has her wiping Daddy's tears even though she does not understand why he is crying. I have had many good friends, mostly through Facebook, come and provide support as well. So I push on, and look forward to seeing my colleagues and students on Monday.

Before my Top 10 list, a video that a former principal and good friend shared with me.

Top 10 Things I Miss Most About Annie

10. Her hair all over the house. Yes, she was a shedder (too bad she was not Irish, then she could be an Irish Shedder!). I know others in my household are feeling relief over not having to vacuum as much, but I would gladly have Annie back even if I had to vacuum every day.

9. Her sneaking up onto the couch. Everyone else did not want her to, but I was OK with it. She had as much of a right as every person in the family does.

8. Cleaning up Barbara's discarded food. Those who are happy about the lack of vacuuming know the trade off now.

7. Taking walks. She loved it when I grabbed her leash. I forget the countless hours we spent roaming the areas where we lived. I could even take her without the leash because she would always come when called.

6. Chocolate hound. Who doesn't love sneaking a chocolate here and there. Annie sure did. Her last night I gave her some of the last of the Belgian chocolates I was given for Christmas.

5. How she greeted everyone who visited. She was loud, barking, and friendly. Our way of saying "Welcome to our home."

4. Her TV enthusiasm. She would love to watch TV and bark and jump whenever there were other animals on. I even remember her getting so excited once that she chased a dog that ran off of the screen into the next room thinking that it had run off in there. It was always entertaining for company to see.

3. Barbara's love for her first dog. Annie didn't take well to Barbara at first, but Barbie sure loved Annie. Annie was very patient and protective, even if she found the toddler to be annoying. I find it an unfortunate blessing that Barbara will not likely miss Annie the same way. I will try to help her remember the old girl

2. Coming home. I could always count on Annie to come to greet me whenever I came home. She was always happy to see me.

1. She always wanted to get love and affection, and return it all without judgement or prejudice. She was such a dog that way. Perfect.

Puppy Love

I thought I would write this blog now, because if I wait until after the dreaded event then I might not be able to keep my thoughts and emotions straight. What I want to do with this blog is pay tribute to one of the most trusted, loyal, loving, and cherished souls that I have ever encountered in this life before this soul is gone. I am referring to my beloved Annie.

Let me begin by saying that she is not sick or dying (at least not that I know of), but she is very old. This last winter has been very hard on her. She has slowed down a lot and is showing her age. Basically, the day is coming where she will move on to the next life. Some who read this may not know this about me, but I believe that animals, humans included, have a spirit that moves on after this life is done. This gives me some comfort, but does not cause me any sort of anticipation other than the dreadful kind as I realize that Annie has far fewer days ahead than behind. I have had a difficult few weeks as her condition becomes more real to me.

Let me give you the history. When I lived in Weyburn, Saskatchewan, I was married to someone else who, among many things, was a dog lover. She had brought with us her aged canine, Shelby, who was herself quite elderly. If my memory serves me correctly she was about 13 when we arrived in Weyburn. Shelby was well trained in almost every way. My wife wanted to have another dog for Shelby to play with, so she went to the local humane society where she found Annie. Originally the shelter called her "Addie". We were told she was a bit of an escape artist, which is still true to this day, but that she had a heart of gold (also true today). I was introduced to her, and felt that she would be good for the family. First order of business was to rename her. "Addie" was a bit awkward for me, but "Annie" seemed the perfect fit. The first night she spent with us was tough on Annie. She was friendly enough, but was a bit unsure of herself in her new surroundings. She had been found on the street, and for all I knew had spent all of her life there. I sensed in her a need for security, so at night I took her into my bed and allowed her to snuggle up beside me. She calmed down quickly and fell asleep. A bond was formed that night, and very soon it was apparent that Annie decided she would be my dog.

We were never quite sure how old Annie was when she came to us. She was young, but pretty much fully grown, so my best guess would have been at least a year old, likely closer to two. She lived up to her reputation as an escape artist, but would always come running when I called her. For having lived on the streets for most of her life, she quickly became a house dog. She loved to run and play outside, exploring the world and stalking neoghbourhood critters, but she would always be ready to come back and stay where her humans were. When we would leave to visit Alberta and wanted to leave the dogs behind, we left them with some good friends who lived on a farm outside of town. Annie was given the opportunity to have free reign of their place, but rarely spent more than about 15 minutes outside before she was whimpering at the door, wanting to be with people. She also had a love of other animals. Sometimes that love was in the vein of cuddling up, as with kittens, and sometimes it was of the "I love to chase them and eat them", as it was with squirrels. I imagined that the squirrels in our back yard were at war with our dogs, and Annie was relentless. She also loved watching animals on TV. It took her a while to realize that when a dog on TV ran out of the screen it did not jump into the next room, but we could count on her being glued to the TV whenever a nature show or a pet food commercial came on. It was great fun watching her jump and bark at monkeys and ducks that were selling us cereal and insurance.

Annie did have a few issues when she arrived. She would chew things up when she was nervous. We lost a couch, a few pillows, and our wedding quilt to her chewing. She did not kennel very easily, and my wife at the time hated making Annie do things that she did not like. Many times we would come home and find things torn apart and scattered all over the house. She also had not been properly house trained, so we had more than a few messes to clean up. We bought mats that the guy at the pet store promised were designed to be irresistible to a dog who needed to empty their bladder or colon. We came home to find that she had shredded the mat and then pooped everywhere but the mat. I started to consider finding a new home for her (I think it was when she tore up three $20 bills left on the table), but in all honesty it was more frustration because I could not let her go. I learned that by showing her disapproval was the most effective way of helping her overcome her bad habits. When Daddy was disappointed, she knew it, and felt horrible for that. She has not gone in the house for a long time and only chews stuff up if she thinks there is a treat in it.

The end of my five year stint in Saskatchewan began with my wife leaving me. I have touched on this in other posts, but I will say that the only thing I was willing to fight tooth and nail for was Annie. Everything else could have gone up in smoke, but I needed my dear friend at my side if I was going to get over all of this. When I moved into Tara's basement the bond between Annie and I intensified. Many nights were spent with me crying, and Annie would push her nose under my arm for a cuddle to help us both feel better. Through the 10+ years that I had Annie she got me through every trial I faced. Yes, others got me through them as well, but this is a post about Annie, so let's give her the props she deserves. She never judged me, was always happy to see me, and stayed loyal to me when others would not. Nobody has ever shown that kind of devotion because only a dog is capable of it.

When Heather and the boys came into the picture, Annie took an instant liking to them. I think she knew that our two families were going to be joined together. Yes, there was adjustment. People could not leave chocolate lying around, because Annie would get it. She sheds and vacuuming became more common. Annie still sneaks up onto the couch whenever she can, and yes she knows she is "not allowed" to, but I don't care. She still barks her head off whenever company comes, but she sees herself as the protector. Barbara was a bit of a put-off to Annie, but she would still put herself between Barbara and the door just in case. Barbara of course loves Annie, and Annie is finding that now that Barbara drops food on the floor for her, she isn't all that bad after all. Annie was welcomed into the family likely better than I was because she just loves everyone unconditionally.

So I watch her now, much more grey than black and white, and my heart breaks a little. It feels unfair sometimes that our pets generally die long before we do. I wish I could have Annie with me forever, and in a way I will, but I wish most of all to never forget her. Annie will not be the first pet I have lost. Many childhood memories are filled with the love of pet cats, dogs, rabbits, and even a duck or two. I will miss Annie as much as I miss Snoopy, Tasha 1 and Tasha 2, Odo and Quark, Tasselhoff, and others. I will probably miss her just a little bit more. I won't be running out to get another dog right away, but there will be more pets in my future I am sure. For now, I hug Annie a little more, help her up the stairs when she needs it, and brace myself for the sad day that feels ever so close. I hope she makes it through this winter, but doubt she will make it through the next.

Thank you Annie for giving me joy and being my dog.

Update: March 24, 2014. On this day, I take Annie to the vet (Tara, actually) to bid my final farewell to this loyal and trusted companion. Every boy deserves a faithful dog, and Annie was one of this man's Best Friends. Rest well my dear, say Hi to anyone I know you encounter, and know that you are special to me. I love you. Goodbye.